My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
