sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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