so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Randomize
