Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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