6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
