You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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