I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
