My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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