he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
