I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
