he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
