that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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