so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
