watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
So apparently I’m into choking now
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