I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
