apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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