I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
