Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
high people should be assigned attendants
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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