mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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