just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
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