idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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