I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
