I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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