Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
