Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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