The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
sex in a hospital.. check
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
