We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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