No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
