I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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