this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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