Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
