I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
