Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
