I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
