Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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