I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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