I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.