so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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