you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
