your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
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