So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
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His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
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Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
They have beer where we have blood.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
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