3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
