remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
