Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
