I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
