I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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