I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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