At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
