ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
