I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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