There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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