My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
