I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
