Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
