Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
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MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
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HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Terrible idea I love it
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
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