Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
he was CRYING into my vagina
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
